Friday, December 28, 2012

Grief


The same old house, red and white. The same black gate. A white Proton Saga outside the porch. Same barking sound, only now the dogs were left free to greet us. Grandma’s bicycle, left untouch at the side of the gate. I stepped out of my car, went in the house. Same furniture. Same position. The chair that she always sit is still there. Plus one desk near the TV, with her photo on it, and a few burnt jossstick. Only now, I don’t need to look for grandma in the kitchen to tell her that we are here.

The disturbing thought that I dint manage to see grandma for one last time somehow replay in my mind.  I choked back my grief, burnt a few joss stick and said silently “I am back to see you, grandma.” But I doubt she hears it anyway. Or maybe she did, like what mum said, she had turn into a moth and visited all her children elsewhere.
(adopted from photo-dictionary.com)
So we went to the hospital that she passed away. Aunt already made an appointment with the hospital regarding our complains on her death. I was the one who wrote the letter, so I had to be there, not knowing exactly what I had to say. Armed with the faith that I don’t think she deserve to go so soon, somehow I managed to voice out my confusion and understand that there was an error done by the nurse in the hospital. She was supposed to be on total bed rest, but instead, she died in the toilet. Angry at first, but I realised I might be the one doing the exact same mistakes that they did. The HO and MO, are so like what I am going to be in future. What more, the MO incharge was Dr Ng, who was about to cry in the meeting. Forgiven, but not forgotten.

May Po Po rest in peace. Chinese New Year will never be the same.

Friday, December 21, 2012

21122012


21122012, the sun still shine, hot, with drizzling rain on and off, inconvenient to go out on bike.

21122012, I had an appointment with my examiner. My examiner asked me only one question “how unilateral ureter stone cause urinary retention?” And it took me some time to answer. Not knowing the exact answer, I just answered with everything that cross my mind, until he said stop and “yes, that’s all for today.” I don’t know whether I failed this, but maybe not. I don’t know. World is not gonna end, so I will have to worry about that later on.

21122012, I had my last morning report in surgery department, had my last attendance list to sign, had my last emergency department jaga tonight. I waved goodbye to my beloved air-conditioned, wifi facilitated ruang koas. Everything will end tonight, and I have nothing else to do tomorrow. World is not gonna end, so I will have to worry about that later on.

21122012, I sent my bike to service. And I tell my bike “mio, it’s you and me against the world.” And I realize that Mio is the most trustable friend I had. Never betray, always there, quiet and loyal as always. World is not gonna end, so it’s still me and Mio against the world.

21122012, I came back to my room, quiet. I love the quietness, a break from the noise outside. Until I realize the chaos in my mind produce more noise than any other external factor. Now that my masking effects are gone, the noise seems to amplify tremendously. World is not gonna end, so I will have to face it again tomorrow.

21122012, it’s just an ordinary day. Nothing to worry is something to worry. World is not gonna end tomorrow. And I just wonder why the Mayans just can’t find one stone and carve the following calendar.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Ambition


When I first arrived at this hospital, we were asked to fill in a blank form, which consist of:
Ambition:...........
Vision:................

The first question that came to my mind, what is the difference? And they told me, ambition is what you wanna do in short term, and a vision is what you wanna do in long term.

I glanced at what others wrote.
Be a doctor
Be a specialist
Be pediatric
And there is even
Get married
Be a good husband
O.O

Anyway, the thing is I start to find out that I am the only one in my group who love my job. Apparently everyone else is either A job is a job Hui Ying, or I think I am in the wrong career path. And thus, no one actually share the same passion as I have. And I find myself competing with the nurses instead. They did everything, from infusion, suturing to even the diagnosis and surgery. The only thing they don’t have is the license to dispense drug, and a pen to say that they are the one who did the surgery. The frustrating thing is they seem to rule over the whole hospital like king. Sometimes, I wish to go home fast so i do not need to compete with nurses for my chances. A fat male nurse did an atherom excision today, and told me “You can’t even be a good assistant, so you can’t be the operator.” FINE! And when I wanted to do infusion “This is not doctors’ job scope” or “Give chance to the younger nurse”. Oh ya, so doctors job are dispense drug like one freaking drug dealers?! Or am I being over passionate?

I don’t actually understand the system here. A lot of thing is lack of passion, especially doctors. They talked about marriage a Lot! Like freaking a lot! Somehow rather, I can feel that family for them is the only important thing. Nothing comes next. Life can be so simple though when nothing matters more than sitting under a roof with family. No money nevermind, no job nevermind, no passion nevermind.

This morning, my friend asked me,
“are all Chinese as competitive as you?”
 I said, “perhaps. Not all, but they call it kia su, and a lot Chinese are like kia su. it is kind of a culture in places full of Chinese, like Singapore. But can in a good way.”
“aren’t you tired, like there should be an end?”
“Well, I will only think that when I am older. Perhaps I ll think, it is time for me to stop and give chance to younger generation, but not nooow. I am energetic and ambicious, I want to do something in my life”

Isn’t it? Aren't me too young to think about sitting at my rocking chair and enjoy the scenery outside my garden. I dont even have a garden to begin with. 

A doctor from Urology told me, there is a limit in life, so nothing actually stays. Whatever your ambition is, it ends halfway sometimes. Thus the most important thing is pengajian (religion). Okay. So there is actually something other than family. Ambition, work, money, the economy, the outside world, and everything else, rubbish.

And I am confused now. So I am not supposed to have passion, not supposed to want something so much. I am supposed to get married and sit at home with my family, not travelling or do something big in life. Just sit at home and pray.

Dolche Far Niente. Something i fail to understand.