Thursday, October 25, 2012


“dek, NaCl tolong” said the doctor while chew walked over and pour NaCl on top of the patient’s wound.

“dek, Perhydrol” I move forward to pour perhydrol on the wound. Hmm... kinda funny, cause I remember the orthopedic surgeon told us perhydrol is not used anymore. Perhydrol H2O2 is used to kill anaerobe bacteria so that bacteria like Clostridium Tetani won't survive under the sutured open wound. The thing is, H2O2 kills white blood cells and wound healing cells (fibroblast) as well, prolong wound healing. I have no idea what standard procedure will be used in my hometown though.

In referral hospital, the patients are more severe and thus we koas (ko-assistant) can only do super easy job like cleaning the wound, assisting sterile doctor handle the non sterile equipment. So, I became Sp Perhydrol (specialist perhydrol), and chew became Sp NaCl (specialist NaCl). Supposingly I can stitch though. I can’t wait to use that needle holder. But some residents feel they still need the practice, so we can only hope they are generous enough to give us chance. Perhaps outskirt has more cases and limited doctors; there is where we get to do some practical job on real patient.

“dek, sini, tolong gunting benang ya” =.= zzzzzzz so I ended up standing beside the doctor holding a scissors, and cut the end of the thread after he sutured every simple suture.

Chew whispered to me “eh you upgrade d”...... Sp Gunting Benang.

Monday, October 22, 2012

Habituation and Sensitization

It starts with a sms:

And when she stepped into my house, she tip-toed in.
“what’s with that smell?”
“what smell?”
“that smell. Like a zoo”
“oh ya? I can’t smell anything. My nose is desensitized.”
“and what’s that sticky feeling on the floor?”
“oh that. Probably the dog’s ejaculate”
“...” her face changed. “I can’t believe you can still stay here. If me, I won’t stand this.” Her face showed me exactly the same expression my fellow Indonesian friends showed when they dropped by to get some stuff. And also the expression my cousin showed me when he knows that I studied in Indonesia. Unbelievable. Yes. Me too. 
“ya. Probably when you get used to it, it gets better” wow I can’t believe I said that. Probably that is what I been telling my subconscious every day.

Perhaps I have changed. But I would rather use the term “adaptation”. Things will just force you to be what you have to be. If you can’t alter the external factor, you must as well change things from within. This is what people called habituation, a non-associative learning where repeated stimulus will cause a decrease in response. And I called these abilities negligence and ignorance. 

So what’s the big problem here? I don’t understand why I keep ponder on the things said unintelligently and unintentionally. Just like how I ponder on the words my friends said “you have no life” just because I am single and I put all my thought in medicine. I been thinking about it and finally came to a conclusion that yes, I hate judgment. Judgment is the only thing that extinguishes my “abilities”. Science called them sensitization where repeated stimulus coupled by pleasant or unpleasant stimulus stimulates greater response. Not only that, a simple “you are a ManiCom (maniac competency)” can just change my initial desires from wanna-work- harder to trying- not-to- work- so- hard. And I really admire people who can do what they think is right without being influenced by stupid judgments, because that is the only thing I been trying to do since long time ago.
And now, I am thinking, is my house really so zoo-like?

Sunday, October 14, 2012

When your life is constantly driven by Lust

He couldn’t sleep. The image of her constantly floated in his mind, the way she run, the way she swayed her hair. He tried to sleep, but it was too cold. There is no future in them, that is what everyone tells him. The lonely night, no one was there to care. Even his best friend was busy with her spouse. No one was there to listen to him.

So, he decided that he don’t wanna force himself to sleep. It’s time to search for her, to fulfill his dream. The house was locked. He walked to the side, he knew exactly which window to find her. He shouted her name. No response. It's not time to give up. He did not know what time it was, he just know one thing, his lust.

He imagined her face. He imagined his competitor. She was inside! She was inside with his competitor. He could imagine that freak grinning at him. He hit on the plastic board real hard. He shouted, he yelled. He heard someone shouted back “QUIET!!” Looks like he woke the lady next door. That was not something he wanted. He walked to the front door. There was no way he couldn't go in. He bang on the door, repeatedly.

Then someone opened the door. A girl, furiously looking at him. It was not "the HER" he wanted to see. “You better be quiet and shut the hell up. I wanna sleep.” The girl closed the door. He was disappointed. He wanna see her! So he attempted to break the door. He used all his strength. He can’t stop. He had no appetite since the season start. All he thinks of is her. No interest in his hobby, no interest in the evening walk that he likes the most. He regretted not tearing the freak’s neck apart. He ruptured his cornea in a fight. He wanted to blind him so he can never see her again. It was not enough. The more he thinks, the more he wanted to go in.

“God damn it! MILO!!! WHAT THE HELL!” the girl next door opened the door again. He stared up at her, pleading to go in. All she did was close the door again. Shit! But this time he saw her, at the window. He and she. Both inside staring out at him. Damn! His rage powered by his lust. He increase his strength on the door. He had no idea how long it took, until he heard the sound of prayers. He howled. 

 This is him and his best friend.

This is his girlfriend. According to YL, they loved each other in a very crazy way, until both of them do not wanna eat their meal.

The competitor looked at him furiously.

This is his competitor with a ruptured cornea.

I am the girl next door.
He had no idea that he bang that door from 1am to 5am! For goodness sake. I really feel like throwing him out the gate.

And all he wanted is 


When your life is constantly driven by lust...

Saturday, October 6, 2012


I felt a huge blow on my back. My whole body jerked forward. My head swing back and forth, causing a sudden blackout which recovered instantly. I turned to the back of the car. What the fuck was going on. I turned in front, for a second I mistaken the sunshades that flipped open as WM airbag in the driver’s seat. What is going on?! HS shouted “the cake!”, which had been thrown forward. YL calmly uttered “everyone’s alright?”, and stepped out of the car. Spectators gathered around, pointing and commenting, before I realize, oh God, I am in a car accident.

I stepped out; get a quick glance at the back, wow, dented pretty badly. And the pedestrian ordered the car to park at the side. Adrenaline still rushing. Luckily my friends know what to do. Get the driver number and identity card and lucky us the driver willing to take full responsibility on the repair. He was avoiding the crazy car from the side, and speed forward to hit ours in front. Judging on the gadgets he was holding, and the car which he was driving, I supposed he is a rich kid. His car hardly dents.

We returned to our car seats and continue our journey to JY bday celebration. Everyone still talking about the accident and checking ourselves for injury. 

My third accident after I entered forensic department. First on the bike with YL, collided with a car face-to-face, because the stupid car just turned out from a junction without looking. Luckily both stopped, causing a minor collision. Second accident on my own bike, with the stupid rider trying to overtake me and hit me from the side. Now the third. Two accidents happened right before we got called for autopsy. Three autopsies, three unavoidable accidents. Somehow it gets a bit eerie to think about it.

Any death due to accident will have to be autopsied to find the cause of death. And each autopsy will be participated by almost 30 students, all of my age, my batch mates. For Goodness sake, Thank GOD! I started to treat the deceased with respect, saying sorry and asking for permission when I insert a catheter or turned the body over. May all rest in peace.