Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Will I Recover?

I guess one day my empathy will be swallowed by the cruel look in the patients' eyes. How irony is that.

 A patient of mine asked me to relieve the fullness feeling he gets from the liver enlargement which probably results from cancer metastatic of the lung. His lung cancer is already a long and tiring treatment. He said he just want the fullness feeling to go away, not expecting recovery, or i could just speed up his death. I felt a thud. I gave a foolish smile.

Another patient who can't response to me, with problems all over the systems. USG was planned since last Saturday, but until now the patient still lied on the bed, waiting for USG. Just by lying there, the hospital has slowly eaten up the medical fund of the patient. The patient's daughter complained that she had no more fund to continue and asked to go home. For goodness sake, the patient can hardly response to anything. I don't know how she is going to survive. And the worse part is, i have totally no idea what's wrong with her. I felt sorry, yet helpless. If only i run the hospital.....

"Will I Recover?" the question I hated the most. Is not like i can just detect a malfunction liver, turn a few screw and repair them. Everything is so uncontrollable and unexpected. Most of the time, i felt so useless. 
Doctors versus God. God score 1 point in this. By the time i handle my number 100 patient, my empathy will dried up.

I am sorry, I am not a good doctor.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Walking into Culture

Some adults tend to tell their kids, “don’t go to the dark, some ugly monster will kidnap you away.”, “don’t play with mud, worms will eat up your feet”, “don’t climb; you will break your tooth.” “Don’t talk to stranger, they are all bad people.” Etc etc. The root of all fear subconsciously instilled into a child’s mind and stays permanent, with a little bit of modification as one grows. So, is this a good thing or a bad thing, to have someone to tell you what not to do, and what you have to do all the time? 

Well it is exciting to walk into others culture, knowing the difference between what brought me up, and what is buried here. In this one month, all my habits were magnified. Wearing singlet and short pants, eat with sounds, pass something with left hand incidentally, cross over a person, not ordering drinks during meals, not bathing in the morning, not praying in temple, not having a boyfriend at the age of 23 and using certain terms or slang. All those were considered “unusual”.

So I was imagining. Everything is bound by rules and cultures. What you do, what you say, what you think, they are all cultur-ised, and not individualized. What your parents tell you to do, what the elderly expect you to do. Apparently Chinese have their culture too, long forgotten culture that my family don’t even practice. And I find no mistake in being free and doing things I like to do, rather than things that other people expect me to do. As long as it is morally acceptable, and not harming anyone, what’s wrong? Technically, what’s wrong with passing something with left hand, when both right and left seems to be the same, except that they are mirror image of each other.

I am walking into a culture, a priceless experience, a culture that is so much different from what I had and life offer me this opportunity to walk it myself. I shall be open-minded, and respect the culture that I am in. Differences, they just don’t scare me. 

When Life Offers You Lemons, Made Lemonade.