Friday, December 28, 2012

Grief


The same old house, red and white. The same black gate. A white Proton Saga outside the porch. Same barking sound, only now the dogs were left free to greet us. Grandma’s bicycle, left untouch at the side of the gate. I stepped out of my car, went in the house. Same furniture. Same position. The chair that she always sit is still there. Plus one desk near the TV, with her photo on it, and a few burnt jossstick. Only now, I don’t need to look for grandma in the kitchen to tell her that we are here.

The disturbing thought that I dint manage to see grandma for one last time somehow replay in my mind.  I choked back my grief, burnt a few joss stick and said silently “I am back to see you, grandma.” But I doubt she hears it anyway. Or maybe she did, like what mum said, she had turn into a moth and visited all her children elsewhere.
(adopted from photo-dictionary.com)
So we went to the hospital that she passed away. Aunt already made an appointment with the hospital regarding our complains on her death. I was the one who wrote the letter, so I had to be there, not knowing exactly what I had to say. Armed with the faith that I don’t think she deserve to go so soon, somehow I managed to voice out my confusion and understand that there was an error done by the nurse in the hospital. She was supposed to be on total bed rest, but instead, she died in the toilet. Angry at first, but I realised I might be the one doing the exact same mistakes that they did. The HO and MO, are so like what I am going to be in future. What more, the MO incharge was Dr Ng, who was about to cry in the meeting. Forgiven, but not forgotten.

May Po Po rest in peace. Chinese New Year will never be the same.

Friday, December 21, 2012

21122012


21122012, the sun still shine, hot, with drizzling rain on and off, inconvenient to go out on bike.

21122012, I had an appointment with my examiner. My examiner asked me only one question “how unilateral ureter stone cause urinary retention?” And it took me some time to answer. Not knowing the exact answer, I just answered with everything that cross my mind, until he said stop and “yes, that’s all for today.” I don’t know whether I failed this, but maybe not. I don’t know. World is not gonna end, so I will have to worry about that later on.

21122012, I had my last morning report in surgery department, had my last attendance list to sign, had my last emergency department jaga tonight. I waved goodbye to my beloved air-conditioned, wifi facilitated ruang koas. Everything will end tonight, and I have nothing else to do tomorrow. World is not gonna end, so I will have to worry about that later on.

21122012, I sent my bike to service. And I tell my bike “mio, it’s you and me against the world.” And I realize that Mio is the most trustable friend I had. Never betray, always there, quiet and loyal as always. World is not gonna end, so it’s still me and Mio against the world.

21122012, I came back to my room, quiet. I love the quietness, a break from the noise outside. Until I realize the chaos in my mind produce more noise than any other external factor. Now that my masking effects are gone, the noise seems to amplify tremendously. World is not gonna end, so I will have to face it again tomorrow.

21122012, it’s just an ordinary day. Nothing to worry is something to worry. World is not gonna end tomorrow. And I just wonder why the Mayans just can’t find one stone and carve the following calendar.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Ambition


When I first arrived at this hospital, we were asked to fill in a blank form, which consist of:
Ambition:...........
Vision:................

The first question that came to my mind, what is the difference? And they told me, ambition is what you wanna do in short term, and a vision is what you wanna do in long term.

I glanced at what others wrote.
Be a doctor
Be a specialist
Be pediatric
And there is even
Get married
Be a good husband
O.O

Anyway, the thing is I start to find out that I am the only one in my group who love my job. Apparently everyone else is either A job is a job Hui Ying, or I think I am in the wrong career path. And thus, no one actually share the same passion as I have. And I find myself competing with the nurses instead. They did everything, from infusion, suturing to even the diagnosis and surgery. The only thing they don’t have is the license to dispense drug, and a pen to say that they are the one who did the surgery. The frustrating thing is they seem to rule over the whole hospital like king. Sometimes, I wish to go home fast so i do not need to compete with nurses for my chances. A fat male nurse did an atherom excision today, and told me “You can’t even be a good assistant, so you can’t be the operator.” FINE! And when I wanted to do infusion “This is not doctors’ job scope” or “Give chance to the younger nurse”. Oh ya, so doctors job are dispense drug like one freaking drug dealers?! Or am I being over passionate?

I don’t actually understand the system here. A lot of thing is lack of passion, especially doctors. They talked about marriage a Lot! Like freaking a lot! Somehow rather, I can feel that family for them is the only important thing. Nothing comes next. Life can be so simple though when nothing matters more than sitting under a roof with family. No money nevermind, no job nevermind, no passion nevermind.

This morning, my friend asked me,
“are all Chinese as competitive as you?”
 I said, “perhaps. Not all, but they call it kia su, and a lot Chinese are like kia su. it is kind of a culture in places full of Chinese, like Singapore. But can in a good way.”
“aren’t you tired, like there should be an end?”
“Well, I will only think that when I am older. Perhaps I ll think, it is time for me to stop and give chance to younger generation, but not nooow. I am energetic and ambicious, I want to do something in my life”

Isn’t it? Aren't me too young to think about sitting at my rocking chair and enjoy the scenery outside my garden. I dont even have a garden to begin with. 

A doctor from Urology told me, there is a limit in life, so nothing actually stays. Whatever your ambition is, it ends halfway sometimes. Thus the most important thing is pengajian (religion). Okay. So there is actually something other than family. Ambition, work, money, the economy, the outside world, and everything else, rubbish.

And I am confused now. So I am not supposed to have passion, not supposed to want something so much. I am supposed to get married and sit at home with my family, not travelling or do something big in life. Just sit at home and pray.

Dolche Far Niente. Something i fail to understand.

Friday, November 16, 2012

外婆,对不起,我回不去

“外婆去世了。”错愕。阿姨面子书一句留言。我错愕。“怎么告诉你父母?”我也不知道。爸妈前两天到中国去旅行,手机不能通。我真的不懂。我开始猛打电话。打给弟弟。“我都不能做什么。要载朋友,到晚上才回家。”发神经!还出去玩?!到底知不知道什么叫尊重,什么叫戴孝?!干妈的!回家找旅行社电话可以吗?!是外婆也!妈妈不知道的话是否是很严重的问题。埋了连最后一面都看不到,是不是很严重的问题?!

远在印尼的一个偏僻乡下,这里的signal烂到我得站在阳台打电话。突然发现我的冲动把我的声量提高。弟弟不懂事。弟弟不懂事。前天心脏病,我打不通,安慰自己说她可能stabile了,才做echo。我知道她cardiogenic shock,我知道不乐观。是我没有强调弟弟,一定要找出中国旅店的电话吗?我根本不知道她去到如此匆忙。再过一个星期就可以看到自己的外孙结婚了,人生一大乐事,一转眼,老天说不能等,就真的不能等。

猛打电话,通了!

“妈,为什么没有打回来?外婆去世了!”
“我知道了。阿姨打给我了。”
“那你要怎样?”
我都不能做什么?来不及了”这次我更错愕。
“不要回来吗?”
“都不能走”
“那我呢?”
“不用啦”
“婆婆喔!你的妈妈,你不回来了!我不回去吗?!”错愕加错愕,我拿着电话,盖了。

原来家人并不重要。妈妈不回来了,外婆会否不高兴?难道伤心,妈会比我少?说她不孝,我觉得我也一样。我打回去。爸爸接了电话。他说没有机票了。定的旅行配套,不能换。地方太偏僻了,他们回不去。我也没法子回去了。如此一来一回,又没有家人接送,又没有先订机票巴士票。有些东西,真的不是你我能控制的。

天空开始下雨。雷雨交加。我现在应该到医院去量病人urine output。不去了。大不了被骂几句。想到我还得笑笑的对和我外婆年龄相似的病人,突然觉得医生这个工作,好难。

我坐在门前,看着雨,一直下,一直下。没有泪,却有点酸酸的。想到连亲情如此薄,酸上加酸。我想不通。印尼人的习俗,一个人生小病,整村的人窝在医院。一个小小的手术,要问婆婆,要问姨丈。人穷,没钱住旅店就睡在走廊。马来西亚人,有钱出国,却都回不来。是我太重视这些无谓的礼仪吗?是否最后一面和出殡仪式其实不重要?说到底,还是看着我长大的人。我还以为应该不顾一切冲回家。可我现在只能窝在这个不属于我的家乡。

冷风刺骨。我好久好久没有见到外婆了。有点后悔回去时没去看看她。妈说,外婆有说她想念我,我很乖。心酸。

外婆,对不起,我回不去。远在他方的你,安息吧。你的外孙女还在别人的家乡,救着别人的外婆。

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Surgery department in Banjarnegara


“hello, kelikir” AK picked up the phone on the nurse station.
“bentar ya, ini dari siapa?” he paused. Then he looked out.
“maaf ya, perawat sedang bertugas. Pak telepon 20 minit lagi ya pak.” Me and WL stopped writing and focus on him. His face turned frustrated. “maaf ya, perawat sedang bertugas, saya tidak berani mengganggu” His face changed. He put the phone on the table and said “*^*%%&^keluarga pasien” and went off the room.
The nurse came in and picked up. “maaf dr Y. Maaf. Sy ga bilang kayak gitu. Hahaha.... ....”
We looked at each other. Zzzzz Dr Y trolled us!!!  We turned to AK. Laughing at him. “die la you tomorrow”.

Dr Y is famous for his loud and sternness. With him as our surgery department tutor here in Banjarnegara, we studied to answer his demanding questions. Most of the time I wonder, how the hell he thought of such questions! And he has his own standard to meet, so as long as we presented as hardworking, he can be a very good teacher. And of course a playful one, trolling us all the time.

“Jadi treatment untuk Appendicitis itu Konservatif” his handphone ring. He talked for a few minutes on the phone. Then turned back to us “jadi treatmentnya apa?” We answered simultaneously “Konservatif.”
“ITU KAMU SALAH!!! Masak treatment untuk appendicitis konservatif. Treatmentnya APPENDECTOMY!!” @.@ trooooolled!! PHP banget sih!

Been working with three guys as my groupmates for 2 weeks now. Honestly speaking, guys’ world is simpler. They don’t really care much about how many patients you have, what kind of patients you have, or compare with each other who is better or so. I hear lots of crap from them, which somehow felt entertaining.
We laughed all the time over “cock thing” and do lots of “cock stuff”, and of course been hearing a lot of “cock term”. (Haha, I supposed they use “cock” as adjective in whatever they say.)

“cock fella, you very slow la”
“wah, the doctor do a lot of cock shit”
 “you guess the patient in bed 13 how old?” We go in the ward just to have a look at the patient, come back “70”. “90”. Glance at the medical record “40”. Haha! The patient’s must feel very odd to have all three doctors came in just to glance at her.
 “walao, that 13 year old patient damn big size wei. You sure she 13 year old ar?” and then all the guys went out to talked to her.

 *Smack Head* guyssss


Thursday, October 25, 2012

Sp.Perhydrol


“dek, NaCl tolong” said the doctor while chew walked over and pour NaCl on top of the patient’s wound.

“dek, Perhydrol” I move forward to pour perhydrol on the wound. Hmm... kinda funny, cause I remember the orthopedic surgeon told us perhydrol is not used anymore. Perhydrol H2O2 is used to kill anaerobe bacteria so that bacteria like Clostridium Tetani won't survive under the sutured open wound. The thing is, H2O2 kills white blood cells and wound healing cells (fibroblast) as well, prolong wound healing. I have no idea what standard procedure will be used in my hometown though.

In referral hospital, the patients are more severe and thus we koas (ko-assistant) can only do super easy job like cleaning the wound, assisting sterile doctor handle the non sterile equipment. So, I became Sp Perhydrol (specialist perhydrol), and chew became Sp NaCl (specialist NaCl). Supposingly I can stitch though. I can’t wait to use that needle holder. But some residents feel they still need the practice, so we can only hope they are generous enough to give us chance. Perhaps outskirt has more cases and limited doctors; there is where we get to do some practical job on real patient.

“dek, sini, tolong gunting benang ya” =.= zzzzzzz so I ended up standing beside the doctor holding a scissors, and cut the end of the thread after he sutured every simple suture.

Chew whispered to me “eh you upgrade d”...... Sp Gunting Benang.

Monday, October 22, 2012

Habituation and Sensitization

It starts with a sms:

And when she stepped into my house, she tip-toed in.
“what’s with that smell?”
“what smell?”
“that smell. Like a zoo”
“oh ya? I can’t smell anything. My nose is desensitized.”
“and what’s that sticky feeling on the floor?”
“oh that. Probably the dog’s ejaculate”
“...” her face changed. “I can’t believe you can still stay here. If me, I won’t stand this.” Her face showed me exactly the same expression my fellow Indonesian friends showed when they dropped by to get some stuff. And also the expression my cousin showed me when he knows that I studied in Indonesia. Unbelievable. Yes. Me too. 
“ya. Probably when you get used to it, it gets better” wow I can’t believe I said that. Probably that is what I been telling my subconscious every day.

Perhaps I have changed. But I would rather use the term “adaptation”. Things will just force you to be what you have to be. If you can’t alter the external factor, you must as well change things from within. This is what people called habituation, a non-associative learning where repeated stimulus will cause a decrease in response. And I called these abilities negligence and ignorance. 


So what’s the big problem here? I don’t understand why I keep ponder on the things said unintelligently and unintentionally. Just like how I ponder on the words my friends said “you have no life” just because I am single and I put all my thought in medicine. I been thinking about it and finally came to a conclusion that yes, I hate judgment. Judgment is the only thing that extinguishes my “abilities”. Science called them sensitization where repeated stimulus coupled by pleasant or unpleasant stimulus stimulates greater response. Not only that, a simple “you are a ManiCom (maniac competency)” can just change my initial desires from wanna-work- harder to trying- not-to- work- so- hard. And I really admire people who can do what they think is right without being influenced by stupid judgments, because that is the only thing I been trying to do since long time ago.
And now, I am thinking, is my house really so zoo-like?


Sunday, October 14, 2012

When your life is constantly driven by Lust

He couldn’t sleep. The image of her constantly floated in his mind, the way she run, the way she swayed her hair. He tried to sleep, but it was too cold. There is no future in them, that is what everyone tells him. The lonely night, no one was there to care. Even his best friend was busy with her spouse. No one was there to listen to him.

So, he decided that he don’t wanna force himself to sleep. It’s time to search for her, to fulfill his dream. The house was locked. He walked to the side, he knew exactly which window to find her. He shouted her name. No response. It's not time to give up. He did not know what time it was, he just know one thing, his lust.

He imagined her face. He imagined his competitor. She was inside! She was inside with his competitor. He could imagine that freak grinning at him. He hit on the plastic board real hard. He shouted, he yelled. He heard someone shouted back “QUIET!!” Looks like he woke the lady next door. That was not something he wanted. He walked to the front door. There was no way he couldn't go in. He bang on the door, repeatedly.

Then someone opened the door. A girl, furiously looking at him. It was not "the HER" he wanted to see. “You better be quiet and shut the hell up. I wanna sleep.” The girl closed the door. He was disappointed. He wanna see her! So he attempted to break the door. He used all his strength. He can’t stop. He had no appetite since the season start. All he thinks of is her. No interest in his hobby, no interest in the evening walk that he likes the most. He regretted not tearing the freak’s neck apart. He ruptured his cornea in a fight. He wanted to blind him so he can never see her again. It was not enough. The more he thinks, the more he wanted to go in.

“God damn it! MILO!!! WHAT THE HELL!” the girl next door opened the door again. He stared up at her, pleading to go in. All she did was close the door again. Shit! But this time he saw her, at the window. He and she. Both inside staring out at him. Damn! His rage powered by his lust. He increase his strength on the door. He had no idea how long it took, until he heard the sound of prayers. He howled. 



 This is him and his best friend.



This is his girlfriend. According to YL, they loved each other in a very crazy way, until both of them do not wanna eat their meal.



The competitor looked at him furiously.


This is his competitor with a ruptured cornea.

I am the girl next door.
He had no idea that he bang that door from 1am to 5am! For goodness sake. I really feel like throwing him out the gate.

And all he wanted is 


 Sex.

When your life is constantly driven by lust...

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Accidents


I felt a huge blow on my back. My whole body jerked forward. My head swing back and forth, causing a sudden blackout which recovered instantly. I turned to the back of the car. What the fuck was going on. I turned in front, for a second I mistaken the sunshades that flipped open as WM airbag in the driver’s seat. What is going on?! HS shouted “the cake!”, which had been thrown forward. YL calmly uttered “everyone’s alright?”, and stepped out of the car. Spectators gathered around, pointing and commenting, before I realize, oh God, I am in a car accident.

I stepped out; get a quick glance at the back, wow, dented pretty badly. And the pedestrian ordered the car to park at the side. Adrenaline still rushing. Luckily my friends know what to do. Get the driver number and identity card and lucky us the driver willing to take full responsibility on the repair. He was avoiding the crazy car from the side, and speed forward to hit ours in front. Judging on the gadgets he was holding, and the car which he was driving, I supposed he is a rich kid. His car hardly dents.

We returned to our car seats and continue our journey to JY bday celebration. Everyone still talking about the accident and checking ourselves for injury. 

My third accident after I entered forensic department. First on the bike with YL, collided with a car face-to-face, because the stupid car just turned out from a junction without looking. Luckily both stopped, causing a minor collision. Second accident on my own bike, with the stupid rider trying to overtake me and hit me from the side. Now the third. Two accidents happened right before we got called for autopsy. Three autopsies, three unavoidable accidents. Somehow it gets a bit eerie to think about it.


Any death due to accident will have to be autopsied to find the cause of death. And each autopsy will be participated by almost 30 students, all of my age, my batch mates. For Goodness sake, Thank GOD! I started to treat the deceased with respect, saying sorry and asking for permission when I insert a catheter or turned the body over. May all rest in peace.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

dogs at night

(Not to be read by my housemates and any dogs lovers that might possibly kill me)

I hate dogs. They leave all those asthmatic-prone and cloths-sticking furs all over the air. And I hate them for being bike lovers; bite the back of my bike, and my seat as well. They think that everything on the floor is meant for them. They hurl themselves on anyone that walks in, friends or foes. And they mark all their territories with urine, everywhere!




No, DOGS! Those territories are MINE! Should I mark those territories with my urine to tell them that?!

But.....

In those lonely nights where you can only hear mosquitoes in the dark, they are there. When everyone is not around except me to guard the house, they are there. When I had just finish studying forensic and those traumatic pictures of the dead, the only living things big enough to accompany me in the house, are them.  




Honestly I still dislike dogs, but I have to admit they are a comfort to me at night, a good alert alarm, and a perfect partner for jogging.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

法医学


电影里的法医学,其实还蛮骗人的。现实上的都没有降科幻的咯,或许印尼没有降科技吧。第一次做侦探的滋味,那些渺小的细节,一一要说的清清楚楚,有够难的。不要以为像福尔摩斯降有型,其实一个头几个伤口,多大,什么方向,什么形状,什么状态,什么都要写。被火车撞过,在火车路上摩擦的几十个伤口,一个一个详细说明,其实也蛮无聊的。站到我腰酸。印尼文又不够好的我,简直就是舌头打结,还好那个做笔记的明白我要说什么。也还好有几个非常热心的朋友给于指导。

我以前蛮喜欢法医学的。可是现在也没什么兴趣了。解剖虽然真的很有趣,可是久了我会觉得要做的屎工很多,得到的结果也不过如此。因为现实没有那么多科幻杀手会用那么多科幻的杀人方法杀人。或也许我没有像福尔摩斯降的老师,所以闷闷的。还有还有,我都穿了两层手套了,为什么仿佛还有味道?!心理作用力量未免太大了吧。

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

dokter's message

Annoyed by brief reply?
What about not receiving a reply?
This is a message we used to send to doctors (our teacher) here.

Feels like I am talking to the wall though.
Koas (clinical students) are really annoying creatures. We are the wall in policlinics, blocking the nurses here and there. We are also cctv, monitoring every actions of the residents. We are the noise producers.
We are also known to be the alarm clocks.


And our main task here as koas is:
1. WAITING

2. GET SIGNATURE

3. Arrange meeting that will most probably be CANCELLED

4. FOLLOW behind

5. self study

6. learn



Wednesday, August 8, 2012

One

One thing I realized, Malaysian has this funny habit of putting “one” behind sentences.
“Why so early one?”
“You don’t need to worry one.”
“She passed it to me one.”



I dint actually realized that until I was asked to explain. Okay. So it’s like. Erm... let me think.

One. Founded by the people of 19 centuries, it comes from the phase “that one” or “the one”. So, when you wanna explain “that early”, you replaced it with “early one”.

In English “why need to be that early?”,
In Malaysian version, “why so early one?”
So, it seems like One Malaysia already creep into us, embedded in our daily conversation.

Convincing enough. I was so proud of my crappy explanation on my Manglish, before I was asked to explain the rest.

“Need to go meh?”
“You want ma?”
“You think can hor?”
“Okay lo
“I thought you know only leh

@.@

Sooo... Manglish is not just about “lar” at the end of the sentences. 
I think we need to create a "Malaysian folks dictionary" for that.




Monday, August 6, 2012

workaholic


I self diagnosed as a workaholic. Four days of holiday, I slept at 3 am, woke up at 6, continue to sleep until 8.30am. The amount of sleep I had during my holiday is much lesser. Started ENT station today, and right after I came home, I hit my bed and woke up 3 hours later. Soundly.

Is that a bad thing? Coz then it means that my life is merely about work. And that’s all.  

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

23rd 1st of August


My examiner yesterday, dr S, she really reminded me of June, my English teacher who always wish to go Jerusalem. They were so alike that many times in exam I thought she was my teacher, and somehow put me at ease. Hmm.... I hope my marks won’t go down the drain just because I gave wrong education to the patient.

 1st of August. Finished my exam, and stared blankly at my wall. Hmm.... what should I do today? Somehow I felt sooo free suddenly. And for half a second, I wish my exam is tomorrow and not today. At least then, I can tell myself, I am busy preparing for something useful on my birthday.

So I logged in facebook and started to comment “Thanks” in all the posts on my wall, at the same time wondering, do they really remember or only because of the notification. Apparently, I believe half of those, or more than half of those are just responding to notifications. But at least half of those are the people I can say “hey long time no see, I am still your friend in facebook?!”

Oh God, why do I sound so pathetic?! Hmm guess I been getting older. And believe it or not, four years here in Yogya, this is the first time I spend 1st of August in Indonesia. Every year I witness people celebrating certain people’s birthday, there will be a few comes with grudges. Even in small colonies, there are even smaller gangs. So I wanna break this curse. I don’t want anyone who doesn’t wish to celebrate my birthday to be there. Instead of smaller gangs in a small colonies, I rather one or two who can talks for hours. So I tell my friends, whoever asked about it, just come. Never ask about it, don't even invite. I want Peace~

Happy 23rd birthday to me.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Will I Recover?

I guess one day my empathy will be swallowed by the cruel look in the patients' eyes. How irony is that.

 A patient of mine asked me to relieve the fullness feeling he gets from the liver enlargement which probably results from cancer metastatic of the lung. His lung cancer is already a long and tiring treatment. He said he just want the fullness feeling to go away, not expecting recovery, or i could just speed up his death. I felt a thud. I gave a foolish smile.

Another patient who can't response to me, with problems all over the systems. USG was planned since last Saturday, but until now the patient still lied on the bed, waiting for USG. Just by lying there, the hospital has slowly eaten up the medical fund of the patient. The patient's daughter complained that she had no more fund to continue and asked to go home. For goodness sake, the patient can hardly response to anything. I don't know how she is going to survive. And the worse part is, i have totally no idea what's wrong with her. I felt sorry, yet helpless. If only i run the hospital.....

"Will I Recover?" the question I hated the most. Is not like i can just detect a malfunction liver, turn a few screw and repair them. Everything is so uncontrollable and unexpected. Most of the time, i felt so useless. 
Doctors versus God. God score 1 point in this. By the time i handle my number 100 patient, my empathy will dried up.


I am sorry, I am not a good doctor.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Walking into Culture


Some adults tend to tell their kids, “don’t go to the dark, some ugly monster will kidnap you away.”, “don’t play with mud, worms will eat up your feet”, “don’t climb; you will break your tooth.” “Don’t talk to stranger, they are all bad people.” Etc etc. The root of all fear subconsciously instilled into a child’s mind and stays permanent, with a little bit of modification as one grows. So, is this a good thing or a bad thing, to have someone to tell you what not to do, and what you have to do all the time? 

Well it is exciting to walk into others culture, knowing the difference between what brought me up, and what is buried here. In this one month, all my habits were magnified. Wearing singlet and short pants, eat with sounds, pass something with left hand incidentally, cross over a person, not ordering drinks during meals, not bathing in the morning, not praying in temple, not having a boyfriend at the age of 23 and using certain terms or slang. All those were considered “unusual”.

So I was imagining. Everything is bound by rules and cultures. What you do, what you say, what you think, they are all cultur-ised, and not individualized. What your parents tell you to do, what the elderly expect you to do. Apparently Chinese have their culture too, long forgotten culture that my family don’t even practice. And I find no mistake in being free and doing things I like to do, rather than things that other people expect me to do. As long as it is morally acceptable, and not harming anyone, what’s wrong? Technically, what’s wrong with passing something with left hand, when both right and left seems to be the same, except that they are mirror image of each other.

I am walking into a culture, a priceless experience, a culture that is so much different from what I had and life offer me this opportunity to walk it myself. I shall be open-minded, and respect the culture that I am in. Differences, they just don’t scare me. 

When Life Offers You Lemons, Made Lemonade.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Study in Indonesia

Penting!!

mohon perhatian semua...sila baca dan sebarkan kpd teman2 yg lain

"Saya ingin menarik perhatian pelajar Malaysia di Indonesia mengenai isu yang sedang berlegar dalam hubungan dua negara Malaysia-Indonesia. 

EM Indonesia meminta supaya para pelajar tidak membuat sebarang tindakan provokasi, membalas balik, bersabar dan menjaga tingkahlaku walau apapun yang terjadi. Jangan dedahkan diri kepada bahaya.

Ini berikutan kejadian yang berlaku di Medan awal dinihari ini."

-en. ludinata misnun-



Countless time i been asked if i still want Tarian Tor Tor. And to tell the truth, i don't even know what is a tarian tor tor until i saw it in the news. Why does it seems to me that this incidence is like a premature fight over toys.


My Indonesian friend showed me this:



Interesting comics by indonesian saying that they dont treasure their culture. We Malaysian were blamed as thief. What can i say? "BUKAN SALAH AKU!" i have learned to used this term several times. And, I can only smile stupidly over the jokes the nurses hurl on me and hope that there is no tension build up. I have to be a nicer and humble person to cover up the conflict between countries. And the truth is i dont even know tarian tor tor belongs to who. I always thought that Malaysia and Indonesia came from the same root. I thought Parameswara the founder of Malacca came from Palembang. zzzzzz so why does that matter so much?

My father used to say that chinese are patient, that is why we can survive anywhere in the world. And i truly believe that. It is never easy to stay overseas alone, especially when i can't speak their language well (but in fact, i think i can't speak Malay that well either). I can't remember how many times i been corrected for using the wrong term which means exactly the opposite. Somehow rather, all the scolding just turns into air over my ears. I came to a point that all those just doesn't matter so much as long as i learn something. A doctor who thinks we are glass compared to a doctor who scold and correct me, i rather pick the latter. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Interna in Cilacap


一大清早起来follow up 病人。在短短时间检查整十多个病人。有时候,我也有累的时候。很不想和病人的家属多说话。有一个病人,肾已经用不着了,心脏也开始衰退,每个星期就是用hemodialisis洗血,说话也不停喘气。一大清早见到我,她笑得灿烂,说昨晚要找我讲话找不到。就是这一种笑,什么累都值得。可惜我病人多,不能再花多几分钟说话。回头在找她,她已经去洗血了。

Cilacap这个接近鱼村的地方,天气有够热的。这里的医生护士非常信任我们的把所有的检查都交给我。整个照顾病人的过程,从找出病因到治疗,我都有份参与。好是好的,可是很多时候,我总觉得自己好笨好笨。在紧急时刻,就开始慌。护士就看着我们等吩咐。我的妈呀!

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

衰人


讨厌!我怎么会这么衰,跟到降的人同组。好想拿他的头去撞墙。说话又多过人,功课又袖手旁观,然后借我们的抄。看我们赶明天的功课,自己不能先回家,就在那边发脾气,说不用做。够牛的说。还有,不停讲我manikom,可是什么procedure都争着做,还跟我们炫耀。要合作的东西就置之不理,对自己有利的就争到底。告诉我,我有理由不讨厌他吗?他还expect我对他笑嘻嘻哦。瓦piang。斗胆取笑阴茎癌的病人,我开始想,会否有一天,躺在那边的是他。

现在快十一点了,我还在吃晚餐,还没有冲凉。天天就降早出晚归,学到的又不多。没有了好老师,多了几个坏组员。虽然还是一样热爱医学,可是学习的乐趣减半。我有种被绑着的感觉。有时候,我宁愿什么都不管,就沉醉在自己的世界里。可是外面的吵杂声又把我吸进黑洞。可否帮我松绑?让我再次感受医学的奥妙?!

Sunday, June 3, 2012

内科


第二个星期又过了。在内科两个星期,还没有找到可以让我喜欢内科的理由。在这里, Resident不会叫你做任何事情,更不会自荐教你任何东西。连自己的pembimbing都会当你是玻璃。听到什么样的心跳都不懂自己在听什么。好想念神经脑科。内科要读的东西,可以说多到不懂怎样形容。不读的话,被问到什么都不会,又被骂。所以这两个星期就死命啃书。我也惊讶自己有奖的啃书能力。

第一个星期BiKo (简称Koas指导)。BiKo让我们知道自己在这十一个星期应该学的东西。第二个星期,ICCU。天天就是没事做,读书而已,有够显的。一个星期Jaga两天,到九点。自己整个星期就只忙安排时间见老师,然后等老师,其他时间就是自修。要抽血,也要问,不会有任何人叫你去做。整个星期了,我就只抽了一次,而且还是最后一天才有机会。只见到几个病人,又不用follow up 也没有人示范正确的检查方法,所以没有什么建设性。跟神经脑科比起来,差多了。怪不得学姐都说我神经脑科这个起点给了我一个假象。

跟到一个嘴巴像鸡屁股的人同组。原本他不是我的组的,只是大组从排后,不幸需要面对他十一个星期。这个人其实没有怎样,只是特别爱说话,到一种特别的程度。他可以连自己女朋友的坏话都到处唱,这个人,有问题。开始的时候,我还有耐心听。听久了觉得他好像很喜欢讲废话,炫耀自己有多懒惰,却有多厉害,读书的动力是因为别人懂,他不懂。好咯,给你一点颜色看,我们开始讨论超深的东西,那个笨家伙还是死样子,连最基本的东西,是也问,不是也问。每个人问过一轮了,他还问。拜托,内科降多东西,你难道认为我们费时间教你,你就会吗?因为自己的白痴而被骂后,还来跟我们说那个Resident不要教你。可不可以去读书,不要在做傻了。天天不停讲话,讲别人的坏话,讲自己朋友的坏话。我开始觉得他真的很烦,干脆告诉他,他语音太重,我不明白,所以不要再跟我说话了,也直接给他取名Murmur。我其他组员也被烦到,统统不回答他,让他自己跟自己讲话。好好的讨论一个东西,他一到,开始给一点非常没有建设性的理论,我们统统没有心继续下去。因为我不停啃书的态度,Murmur看不过眼,开始唱我Manikom(能力狂的简称)。读书好像和能力没有关系,真是的,把嘴巴贴在鸡屁股上吧。

Sunday, May 13, 2012

end of neuro


今早七点自动起身,发现我不需要去医院follow up,幸福的钻入被单,享受那种半冷半热的温度。今天的我应该做什么。好像和世界脱离了很久,给我这个时间奢侈,不想浪费。

见到几个很久不见的朋友,才发现,我在这几个星期里,真的非常开心。是否因为自己做着自己喜欢做的,还是脱离了非言非语,我不确定。婉湘说我逃避现实。湘微说我在第一个stase,和合的来得组员,进了自己喜欢的neuro,结合了天时、地利、人和。怎样都好,我能够非常肯定,我的笑真实了很多。当世界上的种种谎言和虚伪都不关我的事的时候,我还需要烦吗?

想维持这种感觉久一点。

Sunday, April 22, 2012

控制

神经科的病人其实都很可怜,完全不能控制自己的身体。我给一个老病人测试,看他的脑还否运用自如。看着他想一个简单的东西都辛苦的样子,我好像在折磨他。一百减七,画表,连写一个句子都是苦。我给的指示要重复了再重复,还要清晰,有点像教小孩画画的感觉。真是为他感到辛苦。他的孩子在旁边看着,想必也不怎么好受。

另外一个病人,十年病历了。她手脚不时不时会动,好像跳舞的那种动。不同的是,那不是她要的。就这样不由自主的动了几十年。

那又怎么比得起那些完全不能动的。我不停的叫她握我的手,她听得到,眼睛告诉我给她一点时间。她慢慢移动手指,再紧紧捉这我的手指。那也是她现在可以移动的东西。

我突然感觉到可以控制自己的幸福。中风病人开始能够举手的喜悦,我终于有了一点点的感觉。我慢慢踩上了节奏。

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

第一次jaga

第二天的实习,就有第一天的oncall。他们印尼文叫jaga,意识是说我必须在此守夜。就像oncall 36 小时那样,我以脑科开始。说真的,我完全不知道自己在做什么。

开始时,我连跟病人讲话都不会。很哑口无言。每天早上,我们必须六点开始follow up病人,看他们是否有进展。八点就得consult 咱们的residen, 问进展,也问看是否有新病人。如果有,我们就得填medical record的某个报告,填新病人资料。其实我的工作意义不多,够我学习用而已。十二点半,我们有ilmiah。resident轮流演说一个病人的病情,然后大家问,大家讨论。不止病房,我们也得在诊所学习。其余的时间,就有大医生寻访,tutorial, case reflexion, 还有我完全不懂要怎样过的考试。

第一天oncall,有个病人突然失去神志。医生说她得吊旗子了。给她一个旗子,就断定她时间不多。我们得每小时看守,看她慢慢去的样子。血压慢慢上升,然后下降,心跳,呼吸,体温慢慢变化。不知道为什么,医生强调我们用自己的仪器,好像要沾上一点死神的气息降。我好像很无情,不懂怎样跟病人的家人说话。就降,每小时检查一次。不止一个,今晚不知道为什么,降多死神在围绕。而他们顽固的和死神战斗。我,唯一能做的,就只有每小时守候。

这时候,很多人选折祈祷。看到家人在病人耳边祈祷,病人稍微有起色,他们的神情也随着改变。病人难受的拼命呼吸,真的难以想象他们家人有什么感受。

好无奈。一个病人对药物敏感,开始呼吸困难,近乎要死的血压。护士马上叫我们。够笨的我,真的不懂要怎样办,还不快快叫更大的医生。晕。 我看我真的进修不够。

漫漫长夜,我oncall 34小时。不知道明天要怎样过。

Sunday, April 15, 2012

dated 15/4/2012

Everybody seeks for a sense of acceptance. Plenty of my batch mates bought “Blackberry”s so they will be included in bbm. Somehow, why does acceptance means so much suddenly? I presume nobody wants to be left out from a group. The question is, when everybody wants to be accepted, why are there people who exclude others from their life. “I can’t control it. I dislike XXX, and just being truthful to my feeling.” Does this sentence give u a free penalty to isolate someone from your life?

I get it. Sometimes you might find social laugh or social entertain hypocritical. It just might be. Or you just dislike some act or someone just the way it is. Differences scare you? Or you loathed yourself for the similarities you saw in others. It doesn’t matter.

The fact is, ruling someone out is just as bad as ruling yourself out. A hideout is still a hideout. You build a castle around your town, giving out flags to people, allowing certain trait of people to enter your city and put others on the “people-I-don’t-feel-like-talking” list. The mojo you carry kills every soul. Acceptance weigh zero to you.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Farewell my batchmates

A lot of farewell today. Last batch outing. Last dinner. Last meeting. It sounds like I won’t be seeing a lot of people after today.

Batch Outing was held in Lembah Benjo. We played lots of kids game like MSK (the orientation we had in first year). It is as if we must end off something just like the way we started it off. We even had this “ice breaking session” for few hours. Weird isn’t it, to have ice-breaking even we had known each other for almost four years. Even so, I guess it would be a great challenge for the organizers to try to heat us up. We were all too lazy to move our bones, and gave minimum responses. And poor Eunice jumping and shouting, trying to bring the spirits up. Haha.

And I tried flying fox and high rope today. Never played such land outdoor activities before. High Rope especially nearly robbed my nerves away. There were 8 pit stops. One of the few difficult ones was really hard to forget. And my rope got stuck in the middle, so I am kinda hanging by a thread, half way, shaking in the middle of the air. I just can’t stop my leg from shaking. It was automatic. DAMN DAMN DAMN! Then there were these few games that require tactics and brains. We ended off with some presentation slides. Apparently I never knew I had so many stupid photos. Since when it was taken, I had no idea. Haha. It was kinda sad, seeing all the past pictures to know how much we had grown up, and going to depart soon. Luckily the video songs weren’t that sentimental. I won’t want to tears there.

So, this is the end of it? Kinda hard to believe it is already the end of theory year, the end of whole batch sitting together in the lecture halls. I am living in denial.

I went to eat dinner with 20 of my friends. A few of them are leaving back to Malaysia, and I won’t be seeing them for another 10 weeks, or maybe more. Somehow my subconscious is not conscious of this truth. It is really hard to imagine how everything works. I just felt like an ordinary dinner, just like any other day. Numb. Clearly, the information had not been registered in my limbic system, blocked off by my defense mechanism. Or perhaps it had been masked by other things. I was too drained, mixing up jokes and rationale. Nothing seems to make sense to me. It just felt like...... a dream in a dream. And I, just, keep walking. Just keep walking. Just keep walking. 

Monday, April 9, 2012

宣誓

今天,我宣誓了。终于。小小的仪式,标上了生命的另外一个旅程碑。眼前的这条路,好像和后面的很不一样。未知数加上未知数,是无边界的未知数。期待,却不希望面对。复杂的情绪,无法形容。
宣词
向往已久的东西,得到手后,感觉却变得没什么似的。白袍似乎很重。我看着那些我不认识的印尼人,想到必须和莫名同组,感觉承重。没有什么社交本领,第六感告诉我,我就快成为外星人。就降,朋友说我杞人忧天。怎么人家宣誓会有什么“医生是神圣的工作之类”的感言,而我,却感觉那么承重。就是幻想不到面对病人的画面

有了称号,感觉怪怪的

过一天再算一天吧。那天和SuAnn 说了几句话,突然发现我的雄雄志气,早就被未知数和觉悟取代。曾经信心满满的我如今过一关,就谢天谢地一次。真不容易。迟点还得讲一些那么难讲的印尼话,我晕。还是过一关,算一关吧。活在当下,未免不是一件好事。想得太长远,也许到头来也是一场空。
来一张照片留念


Sunday, April 8, 2012

Kalisuci Cave Tubing at Gunung Kidul

Cave tubing was fun. Luckily no rain was to wash away our happiness. If there were rain, the water will rise till the roof of the cave, and make our adventure impossible. Today, everything was as amazing as I wished to be. Kalisuci Cave Tubing at Gunung Kidul, I was supposed to plan this trip a long time ago, but weather does not permit. Finally, another tick on my bucket lists.


The water was cooling and I could see the guides freezing in the water. The guides swam in the water guiding us through our way, with a tiny little head light on their forehead. We sat on the tube as it fetched us around the cave. I guess they had been doing it very often; they can close their eyes and explain every single thing in the cave, even explained to us all the names and history of the cave. I wasn’t really listening because I was concentrating on the rocks around me, still can’t believe that I made this trip.
 
There were also rushing cascade, where we’ll try to balance ourselves, and try really hard to prevent the rock bump against our butt. But honestly my butt hit the rock a few times, and I supposed it ll turn blue black tomorrow. Awwww....
Seru!!
aww

Batu Gajah

The journey was not very long; we just passed by two caves, both with stalagmites and stalactites. The rocks around were quite slippery, but with plenty small holes. There were also bats, and sound of bird chipping, coupled with gushing water, perfect. Just that, one cave was really dark that I could only see a shim of light from above. When we were in the open and still water, we jumped down our tube and start splashing at each other.




At the end of the journey, we reached a muddy slope where we had to do vertical climbing. Apparently this part of journey was very tiring. The slippery slope is really hard to grab with bare feet. Lucky me I brought myself trekking sandals. With the aid of a rope, we ended our adventure with dirty fingers and feets. Haha. Well, the whole thing is Rp65k, including a mi rebus which became exceedingly delicious after the hunger walk. The DSL photographer needs another 100k. But the overall price was considered reasonable. Somehow rather, it is a short getaway from reality.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Bali day 5

The last day in Bali. We did not do much. We drove down to Denpasar to have a look. Denpasar was the heart of Bali. Our first stop was this monument called Bajra Sandhinew, a memorial built for Balinese People located in Puputan Renon field. The building style (Bajra Sandhi) is taken from the weapon of Ludra God, the god who occupy south west of Bali. This place is surrounding by Bali Government Office and  rich people's housing area.

Then we stopped by Pasar Badung to see if we can find some souvenir.

Main road in Denpasar called Gadjah Mada Road.
Before we go to airport, we stopped by a souvenir shop called Krisna. This shop sells plenty of souvenir at reasonable price, some even cheaper than the one sold on road side (if you don't know how to bargain). Almost all kind of souvenir can be found here. After all, it is very near the airport.

Horse Statue near the airport
So, buhbye Bali.

This trip, i dint get to go to Gili Island, or Lombok, which are both beautiful island, less touch by tourists. For me, Bali had been very much occupied by tourists that most things are made purposely to suit tourists needs. Not as beautiful as i thought.
2nd thing is, i dint get to visit Kuta, supposingly nice town and nice beach, which had been a target for terrorist in previous bombing.
3rd thing is, i dint get to see the night life in Bali, in which Bali is famous for its night life, and also, HIV. Haha.
4th thing is, i dint get to Lovina Beach to see dolphin. awwwwwww
Maybe next time.
Funny though, my trip this time dint focus on beach. Bali supposed to be famous for beaches! zzzzzzzz

Friday, March 16, 2012

Bali day 4

The villa i am staying in, is called Villa Junjungan. The owner of the Villa started off the Villa from zero. Everything was handmade, even the swimming pool was built by himself. He said that Bali had been occupied by plenty foreigners. People from all over the world, The US, Malaysian, Singaporean, everywhere, invested in Bali, over-ruling the economy. Before they know it, the local Balinese had been treated like animals in the zoo. People from everywhere came to see the locals, but all the incomes go back to the foreigners. Many locals still stay in poor, drinking water from the drains. He had been working in Holiday Inn, and was inspired to start a Villa business of his own. So, a lot of facilities are not so complete yet, but he said that he is improving bits by bits. The lights in the rooms were not really that good, a littlte bit dim; the breakfast was too simple; there wasn't any generator, so during our first night, there was a blackout for a while; during our second night, the hot shower ran out of hot water for a few hours; and there was only local channels in most of the TVs. The worse thing is, if you book the Villa through internet, which requires you to pay 10% only, you would have to bring plenty of cash to pay on the spot, and the conversion rate for him, is a little bit higher. Luckily my dad booked through agoda.com. Save all the extra charges.
The whole garden is set up by hand, to save cost, can you believe it?

As the villa is in the middle of paddy fields, we are defended from the blood suckers only by a thin layer of nets. A place closer to nature has a price to pay. Blood.
We started off our day with a visit to the wet market. On the way, we noticed this bamboo looking thing, with a box attached. It means that there is a prayer going on, and the box is for the people to place their offering to God. There is this praying thing on the ground everywhere, and some even spray water at the goods they sell. They still remain their culture pretty well.

Hari Raya Nyepi (silent day) is coming, which falls on the 23rd March this year. In this special day, they have to follow four rules. Rule number 1, amati Geni which means there ll be no fire (no cooking which also means fasting), and no electricity. The whole island will be in a dark. Rule number 2, amati Lelunganan means no travelling. Everyone has to stay indoor. So if any tourist happens to be in Bali on that day, they have to stay in the hotels, and only the hotels room can be lighted, but not the lobby or any other place in the hotels. Rule number 3, amati Karya means no working. Rule number 4, amati Lelanguan means no entertainment. The driver also said that some rich people would travel out of Bali a few days before the silent day to escape from the ritual. In Hari Raya eve, the locals will carry a scary looking giant around the town, to chase away evil spirit, so that they can have their new year peacefully. Thus, we can see that plenty of giant statues were being made in temple, even at nights.

We visited the Wet Market. I am not a big fan of wet market, so the things there dint really catch my attention. I only noticed that they sell plenty of flowers and stuffs for worshipping in the market.


After that, we proceed to Tanah Lot temple. According to my driver, Tanah Lot was built by the third Javanese Priest, Danghyang Nirartha. This priest loves to build temple by the sea around the island. Tanah Lot was one of them. Tanah Lot means land in the sea. The raged waves covered up the path to the temple, and the temple nested on a small hills of rocks. Interesting. Tanah Lot is famous to watch sunset. But as we have short of time, we did not wait until dusk. 


A picture i saw, showing a path leading to the temple

Tanah Lot Temple struck by thousand of aggresive waves on a small hill of land, watched by a million people by the shore.
Waves!
Next Stop we went to Bedugul. I doze off in the car, and dint know how long it takes me to reach the hill. It must be very long. When i woke up, it was raining heavily outside. We stopped by to eat in Saras, which is at Bedugul. The restaurant actually combined with a place to stay i guess. It has around three stories, and the back facing terrace. Nice view though. The price for the food was quite reasonable.

To my despair, the rain did not stop after we finished lunch. It is still raining heavily. We continued our journey to Beratan Lake, hoping the rain would cease by the time we reached, but to no avail. Thus, we rented a few umbrellas to see the Lake.

Beratan Lake was printed at the back of the Rp50,000 notes. Nice view. But when it was raining, the whole place flooded. The locals said that it had been raining like this for the past five days. We waited for the rain to get less heavy, and enter the Lake.
The whole place was flooded due to the rain

Raining Beratan Lake.
How i wish i could take a few more beautiful photos of the lake... ... ...

We left Bedugul and go to Taman Ayun. Taman Ayun was built by the Mengwi Kingdom. Actually there is nothing much to see, but i just simply find the temple interesting and beautiful. So, we went in to took a few pictures.



Bali is famous for Bebek Bengih (Dirty Duck Dinner). But from our location, we are too far from that restaurant, thus the driver told us that Dirty Duck Dinner is the name of the shop. The duck which is famous is called Crispy Duck. So the driver brought us to Warung Dewa Malen to eat Crispy Duck. Well, i had never taste the crispy duck in Dirty Duck Dinner, so i cant make a comparison, but this Crispy Duck that i ate was nice, which cost Rp85k.