Tuesday, May 26, 2009


Dad posted me a link about depression.

It was written:

Are you clinically depressed?

If you identify with several of the following signs and symptoms, and they just won’t go away, you may be suffering from clinical depression.

  • you can’t sleep enough or you sleep too much—I sleep six hours a day…enough?
  • you can’t concentrate or find that previously easy tasks are now difficult—yes. Studying and remembering facts seems much difficult than before.
  • you feel worthless and hopeless—yes, I am one useless shit
  • you can’t control your negative thoughts, no matter how much you try—yes, I no idea why everything turns out shit.
  • you have lost your appetite or you can’t stop eating—no, I still eat, as usual.
  • you are constantly irritated or become enraged even at small things and this is new for you – Oh My GOD!!! It is so like me lar…
  • you have thoughts that life is not worth living, or have a plan for how you would end it (Seek help immediately if this is the case)—erm.. I think life is not worth living, but never thought of ending it so seriously.
  • A bleak outlook—nothing will ever get better and there’s nothing you can do to improve your situation—yes yes. How the hell am I gonna make everyone like me and accept my character? How the hell am I gonna take control over my life? How the hell am I gonna improve my result?
  • No interest in or ability to enjoy former hobbies, pastimes, social activities, or sex—I dun even remember having any hobbies.
  • Significant weight loss or weight gain—a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month—no, can’t afford to lost more, I am already 38kg. How can I lose more?
  • Either insomnia, especially waking in the early hours of the morning, or oversleeping (also known as hypersomnia)—I wake up 4am or 5 am…early?
  • Either feeling “keyed up” and restless or sluggish and physically slowed down—maybe…
  • Feeling fatigued and physically drained. Even small tasks are exhausting or take longer—a few weeks ago, yes, but now, I dun think so.
  • Strong feelings of worthlessness or guilt. Harsh criticism of perceived faults and mistakes—yes yes. Oh My God Yes.
  • Trouble focusing, making decisions, or remembering things—I can’t focus sometimes, I make shit decision and are much afraid to make anymore wrong decision, I can’t remember facts.

12/15 symptoms… am I having depression?

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Not much of anticipation

27th of Mei will be a shit day. Block EXAM!!!! I love brain. Brain is interesting. This block is interesting if I am not bothered by other problems. This block is interesting if there is no exam for me to sit. This block is interesting if I din't book ticket to go Jakarta right after my exam. This block is interesting if I do not need to think about shifting house. This Block is interesting if I do not need to worry about my make up test. This block is interesting if everything is wonderful.

But, the truth is, everything is not. Even the Jakarta trip. It is supposed to be a trip, holiday trip, for heaven sake. But, why am I not anticipating 27th of Mei? In fact, I much hope the time stops and never reach the time i need to depart to Jakarta. Perhaps I am afraid of the loneliness. Perhaps I am afraid of gaps... just gaps... Perhaps I don't want to face my ex best friend, having her to look at me like I ran over her dog. The guys are nice, really helpful and fun, but, what if they ignore me? I mean, I am X chromosome and they are Y chromosome, that make a difference, isn't it? Ok... What about the other girls, which I have a pretty good feeling their interest and mine just don't match. I am not the kind of girl who will shout ,"SHOPPING!!!!" and paint my face with all sort of chemical. I am not the kind of girls who like to go in and out of the dressing room. I am not that kind of girls who like to gossip.

Haiz....I wish 27th of Mei will be my lucky day, and pray hard it will turn out to be just fine.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Histo slides

Histology exams just passed. As usual, I will take photos of the microscope slides and labelled them. But this time round, many people got a hand on my work and distributed it around. Haha. Ok. Actually I am quite happy to hear that. When people actually tell me, “Thanks to your slide”, “That is one top slide”… I am ecstatic! People actually appreciate my work! What more can I ask for! And people actually want me to teach them. Haha. Me?! A B/C holder?! Teach?! But, I did. And it feels great to be able to be the old me who teaches people. It reminds me of form 5 when I teach people maths. I missed maths. Bio sucks, and I wonder why I end up in medical school. Compassion just doesn’t come with talent. Haha. But… I did made a few mistakes in labelling. Opss. Hopefully they did double check with the reference books.


He is nice to me. He is willing to accompany me. He can be trusted somehow. But… there is just something missing. And that something… is really hard to tell. I can’t even tell what is missing. Perhaps, I am not in the mood to start a relationship. Perhaps I don’t want to step out of my comfort zone. Perhaps it is not the right time. Perhaps I don’t want anyone to disturb my gradually stabilise emotion. Perhaps I really want to study and prove to her that I am not useless. There are too many reasons why, but I just uncertain. My brain is fully occupied and there is no more space for another figure to sit in. One thing for sure, unless the right feeling comes in, I would never ever step into a world I never been before. Unless I am very sure of what I am doing, I would never want to hurt anyone. I felt that loneliness deep within me. But his present doesn’t seem to kill that loneliness, in fact, I felt as if I am using his present to stop myself from thinking that I lost friends in my depression, to stop myself from thinking too much of the ugly world. Does that make me a bad person who uses others good? No idea. Still, that loneliness stood somewhere deep within me, with his hidden smile and sarcastic look. I want to go home. So much.

Friday, May 15, 2009

If there is no memories...

Hmm... actually, to say i finally get over it, is a bit ridiculous. Having somebody so close to you, been studying together, been eating together, been laughing and crying together, but now, trying to avoid you everywhere you go, thinking you are crazy and evil, and hoping you never exist. The thought of that send a chill down my spine. Sometimes, i would rather we never had any memories together. If that is the case, I think I can detach easily. Imagine you have to change all your habit, imagine that you had to wake up early every morning when all this while you only awake when the sun is up, imagine you have to stop smoking when you were a heavy smoker. How difficult can that be? What more, is a person that you care for, is a person that make you feel like home all this while, is a person that care for you, is a person that you spend one whole year with, day and night. To say the truth, i miss those days a lot. Sometimes, I wish I can turn back clock.

People been telling me,
"never mind, seek new friends lo. after all is just a friend what."To find new friends is not actually difficult, but to establish close relationship and to keep that closeness is extremely tough.
"Maybe time can heal everything, maybe you will be friends again." One year? Two Year? or when we gonna graduate? I guess by that time, all the memories will replace by a whole new image, that is when we be friends again, is it?

Why must it be so difficult and sad? Perhaps mum was right. Some friends that you made in college or universities are temporary. What a sad sad world.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does is done with perfection.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Traditional clothes?!

William said this is Jawanist traditional clothes, where they will be wearing it during their wedding night. No particular comment.. but why the bridegroom have that leaves like structure on their ears and comb their hair like that!


Friend usually share many good things, and as the saying goes ” Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, “What! You, too? Thought I was the only one.”"

Familiar it seems. Lately, I been cool war-ing with a friend who i care so much. But, perhaps it already reaches its limits. Perhaps I been griefing too long without a near shoulder to lean on. But, more likely, our distance is far more than I thought. Its alright. Guess I might have to stand on my own now.

I told you so

I told you so
by Carrie Underwood

Suppose I called you up tonight
And told you that I love you
And suppose I said I wanna come back home
And suppose I cried and said I think I finally learned my lesson
And I'm tired of spending all my time alone
If I told you that I realize you're all I ever wanted
And it's killing me to be so far away
Would you tell me that you love me to
And when we cry together
Would you simply laugh at me and say
I told you so
Oh, I told you so
I told you someday you'd come crawling back and asking me to take you in
I told you so
But you had to go
Now I found somebody new and you will never break my heart in two again

If I got down on my knees and told you I was yours forever
Would you get down on yours too and take my hand
Would we get that old time feeling
Would we laugh and talk for hours
The way we did when our love first began
Would you tell me that you miss me too
And that you've been so lonely
And that you've waited for the day that I returned
And we live and love forever
And that I'm your one and only
Would you say the tables finally turn
Would you say I told you so
Oh, I told you so
I told you someday you'd come crawling back and asking me to take you in
I told you so
But you had to go
Now I found somebody new and you will never break my heart in two again
Now I found someone new and you will never break my heart in two again

-- END --

nice song! listen!

Sunday, May 3, 2009


Went to cinema last friday. Watched X-Men Origin. Very nice. Very cool. Like Hugh Jackman!! Haha... he ran across the field naked!! Haha. Ok... but i think that cyclop guy nicer. Too bad cannot see his eyes... sure damn damn cool.

But that is not the reason i post this. Haha...
In one of the scene, Wolverine wife's , Kayla said Striper gave her dihydrocholothiazide which caused her heart beat and breathing rate to slow down until it reaches zero. Then, Logan thought she was dead. Instantly, me and my friends looked at each other. Haha... Dihydrochlorothiazide?! Are you sure? Dihydrochlorothiazide is a diuretic drug which promote water loss from the body, a simple example is increase urine volume. Sweat!!!! How can that causes heart beat to stop! Must as well give placebo.... Wahaha... Guess Kayla urinated too much until she fainted dehydrate... Haha..