内科

第二个星期又过了。在内科两个星期，还没有找到可以让我喜欢内科的理由。在这里， Resident不会叫你做任何事情，更不会自荐教你任何东西。连自己的pembimbing都会当你是玻璃。听到什么样的心跳都不懂自己在听什么。好想念神经脑科。内科要读的东西，可以说多到不懂怎样形容。不读的话，被问到什么都不会，又被骂。所以这两个星期就死命啃书。我也惊讶自己有奖的啃书能力。

第一个星期BiKo （简称Koas指导）。BiKo让我们知道自己在这十一个星期应该学的东西。第二个星期，ICCU。天天就是没事做，读书而已，有够显的。一个星期Jaga两天，到九点。自己整个星期就只忙安排时间见老师，然后等老师，其他时间就是自修。要抽血，也要问，不会有任何人叫你去做。整个星期了，我就只抽了一次，而且还是最后一天才有机会。只见到几个病人，又不用follow up， 也没有人示范正确的检查方法，所以没有什么建设性。跟神经脑科比起来，差多了。怪不得学姐都说我神经脑科这个起点给了我一个假象。

跟到一个嘴巴像鸡屁股的人同组。原本他不是我的组的，只是大组从排后，不幸需要面对他十一个星期。这个人其实没有怎样，只是特别爱说话，到一种特别的程度。他可以连自己女朋友的坏话都到处唱，这个人，有问题。开始的时候，我还有耐心听。听久了觉得他好像很喜欢讲废话，炫耀自己有多懒惰，却有多厉害，读书的动力是因为别人懂，他不懂。好咯，给你一点颜色看，我们开始讨论超深的东西，那个笨家伙还是死样子，连最基本的东西，是也问，不是也问。每个人问过一轮了，他还问。拜托，内科降多东西，你难道认为我们费时间教你，你就会吗？因为自己的白痴而被骂后，还来跟我们说那个Resident不要教你。可不可以去读书，不要在做傻了。天天不停讲话，讲别人的坏话，讲自己朋友的坏话。我开始觉得他真的很烦，干脆告诉他，他语音太重，我不明白，所以不要再跟我说话了，也直接给他取名Murmur。我其他组员也被烦到，统统不回答他，让他自己跟自己讲话。好好的讨论一个东西，他一到，开始给一点非常没有建设性的理论，我们统统没有心继续下去。因为我不停啃书的态度，Murmur看不过眼，开始唱我Manikom（能力狂的简称）。读书好像和能力没有关系，真是的，把嘴巴贴在鸡屁股上吧。

end of neuro

今早七点自动起身，发现我不需要去医院follow up，幸福的钻入被单，享受那种半冷半热的温度。今天的我应该做什么。好像和世界脱离了很久，给我这个时间奢侈，不想浪费。

见到几个很久不见的朋友，才发现，我在这几个星期里，真的非常开心。是否因为自己做着自己喜欢做的，还是脱离了非言非语，我不确定。婉湘说我逃避现实。湘微说我在第一个stase，和合的来得组员，进了自己喜欢的neuro，结合了天时、地利、人和。怎样都好，我能够非常肯定，我的笑真实了很多。当世界上的种种谎言和虚伪都不关我的事的时候，我还需要烦吗？

想维持这种感觉久一点。

控制

神经科的病人其实都很可怜，完全不能控制自己的身体。我给一个老病人测试，看他的脑还否运用自如。看着他想一个简单的东西都辛苦的样子，我好像在折磨他。一百减七，画表，连写一个句子都是苦。我给的指示要重复了再重复，还要清晰，有点像教小孩画画的感觉。真是为他感到辛苦。他的孩子在旁边看着，想必也不怎么好受。

另外一个病人，十年病历了。她手脚不时不时会动，好像跳舞的那种动。不同的是，那不是她要的。就这样不由自主的动了几十年。

那又怎么比得起那些完全不能动的。我不停的叫她握我的手，她听得到，眼睛告诉我给她一点时间。她慢慢移动手指，再紧紧捉这我的手指。那也是她现在可以移动的东西。

我突然感觉到可以控制自己的幸福。中风病人开始能够举手的喜悦，我终于有了一点点的感觉。我慢慢踩上了节奏。

第一次jaga

第二天的实习，就有第一天的oncall。他们印尼文叫jaga，意识是说我必须在此守夜。就像oncall 36 小时那样，我以脑科开始。说真的，我完全不知道自己在做什么。

开始时，我连跟病人讲话都不会。很哑口无言。每天早上，我们必须六点开始follow up病人，看他们是否有进展。八点就得consult 咱们的residen, 问进展，也问看是否有新病人。如果有，我们就得填medical record的某个报告，填新病人资料。其实我的工作意义不多，够我学习用而已。十二点半，我们有ilmiah。resident轮流演说一个病人的病情，然后大家问，大家讨论。不止病房，我们也得在诊所学习。其余的时间，就有大医生寻访，tutorial, case reflexion, 还有我完全不懂要怎样过的考试。

第一天oncall，有个病人突然失去神志。医生说她得吊旗子了。给她一个旗子，就断定她时间不多。我们得每小时看守，看她慢慢去的样子。血压慢慢上升，然后下降，心跳，呼吸，体温慢慢变化。不知道为什么，医生强调我们用自己的仪器，好像要沾上一点死神的气息降。我好像很无情，不懂怎样跟病人的家人说话。就降，每小时检查一次。不止一个，今晚不知道为什么，降多死神在围绕。而他们顽固的和死神战斗。我，唯一能做的，就只有每小时守候。

这时候，很多人选折祈祷。看到家人在病人耳边祈祷，病人稍微有起色，他们的神情也随着改变。病人难受的拼命呼吸，真的难以想象他们家人有什么感受。

好无奈。一个病人对药物敏感，开始呼吸困难，近乎要死的血压。护士马上叫我们。够笨的我，真的不懂要怎样办,还不快快叫更大的医生。晕。 我看我真的进修不够。

漫漫长夜，我oncall 34小时。不知道明天要怎样过。

dated 15/4/2012

Everybody seeks for a sense of acceptance. Plenty of my batch mates bought “Blackberry”s so they will be included in bbm. Somehow, why does acceptance means so much suddenly? I presume nobody wants to be left out from a group. The question is, when everybody wants to be accepted, why are there people who exclude others from their life. “I can’t control it. I dislike XXX, and just being truthful to my feeling.” Does this sentence give u a free penalty to isolate someone from your life?

I get it. Sometimes you might find social laugh or social entertain hypocritical. It just might be. Or you just dislike some act or someone just the way it is. Differences scare you? Or you loathed yourself for the similarities you saw in others. It doesn’t matter.

The fact is, ruling someone out is just as bad as ruling yourself out. A hideout is still a hideout. You build a castle around your town, giving out flags to people, allowing certain trait of people to enter your city and put others on the “people-I-don’t-feel-like-talking” list. The mojo you carry kills every soul. Acceptance weigh zero to you.

Farewell my batchmates

A lot of farewell today. Last batch outing. Last dinner. Last meeting. It sounds like I won’t be seeing a lot of people after today.

Batch Outing was held in Lembah Benjo. We played lots of kids game like MSK (the orientation we had in first year). It is as if we must end off something just like the way we started it off. We even had this “ice breaking session” for few hours. Weird isn’t it, to have ice-breaking even we had known each other for almost four years. Even so, I guess it would be a great challenge for the organizers to try to heat us up. We were all too lazy to move our bones, and gave minimum responses. And poor Eunice jumping and shouting, trying to bring the spirits up. Haha.

And I tried flying fox and high rope today. Never played such land outdoor activities before. High Rope especially nearly robbed my nerves away. There were 8 pit stops. One of the few difficult ones was really hard to forget. And my rope got stuck in the middle, so I am kinda hanging by a thread, half way, shaking in the middle of the air. I just can’t stop my leg from shaking. It was automatic. DAMN DAMN DAMN! Then there were these few games that require tactics and brains. We ended off with some presentation slides. Apparently I never knew I had so many stupid photos. Since when it was taken, I had no idea. Haha. It was kinda sad, seeing all the past pictures to know how much we had grown up, and going to depart soon. Luckily the video songs weren’t that sentimental. I won’t want to tears there.

So, this is the end of it? Kinda hard to believe it is already the end of theory year, the end of whole batch sitting together in the lecture halls. I am living in denial.

I went to eat dinner with 20 of my friends. A few of them are leaving back to Malaysia, and I won’t be seeing them for another 10 weeks, or maybe more. Somehow my subconscious is not conscious of this truth. It is really hard to imagine how everything works. I just felt like an ordinary dinner, just like any other day. Numb. Clearly, the information had not been registered in my limbic system, blocked off by my defense mechanism. Or perhaps it had been masked by other things. I was too drained, mixing up jokes and rationale. Nothing seems to make sense to me. It just felt like...... a dream in a dream. And I, just, keep walking. Just keep walking. Just keep walking. 

宣誓

今天，我宣誓了。终于。小小的仪式，标上了生命的另外一个旅程碑。眼前的这条路，好像和后面的很不一样。未知数加上未知数，是无边界的未知数。期待，却不希望面对。复杂的情绪，无法形容。

宣词

向往已久的东西，得到手后，感觉却变得没什么似的。白袍似乎很重。我看着那些我不认识的印尼人，想到必须和莫名同组，感觉承重。没有什么社交本领，第六感告诉我，我就快成为外星人。就降，朋友说我杞人忧天。怎么人家宣誓会有什么“医生是神圣的工作之类”的感言，而我，却感觉那么承重。就是幻想不到面对病人的画面。

有了称号，感觉怪怪的

过一天再算一天吧。那天和SuAnn 说了几句话，突然发现我的雄雄志气，早就被未知数和觉悟取代。曾经信心满满的我如今过一关，就谢天谢地一次。真不容易。迟点还得讲一些那么难讲的印尼话，我晕。还是过一关，算一关吧。活在当下，未免不是一件好事。想得太长远，也许到头来也是一场空。

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